What’s Going On…

I’ve been away since 2014. Both of my parents died within 6 months of each other. Maybe I wrote about it, maybe not. And I fell into a black hole.

Did I tell you I lost 150 lbs.? I got surgery last year. I lost 50 lbs. before hand because they want you to. It makes sure that the surgery is that much easier on your guts because they sewed my stomach up after taking out more than half. I was 380 or maybe 370 lbs. I don’t know, when I passed 300 lbs. It solved the problem of having to care what I looked like. I was obese. I became morbidly obese. And I wanted to be dead when my parents died. At the same time it released me. The secrets I carried (and still do,) were no longer reserved from them any more. They still rotted my innards. They still corroded the corners of my brain. Now though they would never be revealed to my parents whether or not I had the courage to tell them or the want to release them.

I don’t know what is right. I can only make up what I think and feel is right. And it seems sometimes that those things that I think and feel become less and less surer the older I get and the more my brain has acquired. My anger, on which I relied for so long to give me direction and protection and energy has faded. My beliefs that I would someday get relief from all the wrongs done me in the past just doesn’t seem to count anymore. All the people I loved have fallen away through betrayal, neglect or death. And the sense of family that was tied together by the spirit and life of my Mother has gone, burned up with her corpse. And I, even with my sons, feel so alone, which is worse than being physically alone.

I’m pursuing BED Therapy (Binge Eating Disorder) because I am encountering difficult times lately. Too many deaths again. And I float metaphysically above my walking corpse through this life, life after want, life after placement. The reason for losing the weight seems to have disappeared. It’s there but hiding and it’s a non-fact now. I need to latch on to something because I refuse to latch on to another relationship like I’ve done in the past.

So thanks to the internet I have downloaded so many worksheets on DBT and other helpful treatments and skills that it’ll carry me through until I can find a therapist that will take my insurance. Until then I am struggling.

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